Unconditional Confidence

Shy About Speaking Up in Public?

2007-07-19T21:56:14Z

Who doesn't want a magic pill or potion to remove all obstacles, fears and doubt?

Sound good?

Well, read the news. There's a new anti-shyness nasal spray! Yep, that's right. You can now snort confidence and assertiveness right up your nose.

It appears that scientists in London have been busy creating a nasal spray that will rid you of your shyness.

The drug releases the hormone oxytocin into the brain, increasing self-confidence and lowering anxiousness. It's undergoing clinical tests right now, but scientists hope to have it out to the masses in just a few years.

Just a few years. Until then, you can decide to hide out, stay quiet and watch a lot of T. V.

Seems to me that anything you can snort up your nose will have a temporary, if any, effect on one's self-confidence, but I could see how it might lower feelings of anxiety. Other drugs ease anxiety so why not nasal spray?

But wouldn't you rather have the real thing? Wouldn't you rather know that you can always be confident in any situation, even without your nasal spray? Just wondering.

Beverly Sills: The Queen of Confidence

2007-07-04T01:41:32Z

Even if you're not an opera fan, you've probably heard of Beverly Sills, one of America's greatest opera stars and a true diva of the opera world. She died on Monday of lung cancer, even though she never smoked.

As a singer, I have always admired Beverly Sills for her amazing career, her decision to retire in her prime, and her endless devotion to the arts. But I never knew until today just how wise she was. She knew the essence of confidence. Here is a quote of hers that I found on Michelle Bennett's blog:

Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality.”

This is the essence of confidence, knowing you are complete and whole now. There is nothing you have to achieve to be whole, to be who you really are. You are already great. You are already worthy of everything you desire.

One doesn't develop confidence. It came in your starter kit when you arrived here. It is part of the package that is you. As Beverly says, you are already whole and complete. You just need to come to an understanding of that, experience it, and know it as your own reality.

This is an adventure of re-discovering what is already there.

By the way, Beverly Sills was known to never experience stage fright. And now you know why.

Here are some more wonderful quotes from Beverly Sills:

I had found a kind of serenity, a new maturity… I didn’t feel better or stronger than anyone else but it seemed no longer important whether everyone loved me or not - more important now was for me to love them. Feeling that way turns your whole life around; living becomes the act of giving.”

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

No Nerves Allowed on The Next Food Network Star

2007-06-28T00:01:24Z

Okay, are you watching "The Next Food Network Star" on the Food channel?

This is my first year of watching it and I must say, I like it so much better than Top Chef on Bravo, mostly because the judges seem to want to help these chefs succeed. They give them suggestions and support rather than just tell them that their food sucks.

But I digress.

The Next Food Network Star is a reality show in which 11 chefs complete to have their very own cooking show on the Food Network, like Rachel Ray (who looked so much better when her hair was lighter) and Paula Dean. These 11 chefs are judged not just on how well they cook but on their ability to present their food with pizazz and personality. Basically, to show their star quality.

So, why am I talking about all this when I don't even really like cooking all that much?

Because on the first or second show of the season, one of the chefs, Tommy (here's his photo), couldn't stop his hands from shaking as he served his bouillabaisse. It was obvious that he was really nervous. So, at the time of the evaluation, just before they kick someone off the show, one of the judges, Bob Tuschman, told Tommy soemthing like, "Hey, even if you're nervous, don't show it. Don't let us see it"

Basically, he told him to fake it.

Now, you know my stance on faking it. I always say, don't fake anything. Be real, be yourself, and don't try to hide anything from your audience. That old fake-it-until-you-make-it approach only reinforces the myth that you aren't enough as you are. And it is this myth that causes the fear and anxiety most people experience around speaking in public.

But are there times when it is appropriate to fake it?]]>
Auditioning

If you want to be The Next Food Network Star, and your hands are shaking, you better fake it or you could be a goner. By the way, Tommy got kicked off in Week Three, but NOT because he was nervous. I can't even remember why.

So, okay, if you are auditioning for a big role and you need to appear super confident but you aren't feeling that way, play the part. Take on that role. In this instance, your ability to fake it could be an asset rather than a liability.

But when you are speaking, you aren't auditioning. You already have the part. And that part is being YOU, being real, being honest and saying it like it is.

If You're Sick, Depressed, Angry or Out of Your Mind

If you're sick as a dog, or you've just received horrible news, and you have a speech to give, slap on a happy face, and say to yourself, "It's Showtime, folks! You never want to unload your bad mood onto your audience. It's just rude. Nor do you want to tell your audience that you're tired or stressed.

If it's obvious that your sick, speak to it. You can tell your audience what's up but don't apologize or make excuses. Just state the obvious. This can be a big relief to you and your audience, because if you're feeling really bad, chances are they know something isnt' right.

Before, Not During

The best time to fake it is when preparing for your speech, not during it.

That's right. Sit back, close your eyes, and imagine being in front of your audience. You feel confident, fabulous. You are speaking with ease and having a great time. Let yourself imagine having the qualities you want to have when you are actually speaking.

By using your imagination in this way, you connect to your own inner confidence that already exists within you. You practice feeling it, being connected to it, having it when you speak. So, you're not so much faking it as you are calling it up from within you.

So, there are times when you're best option is to fake it. But I always say, why fake it when you can honestly and genuinely feel completely confident, no matter what? You can, you know.

Tags:
Public Speaking Self-Confidence Speaking Performing The Next Food Network Star Presentation Fear of Public Speaking Confidence Self-Expression

Molly Shannon and The View Talk About The Fear of Public Speaking

2007-06-22T22:49:09Z

Even Saturday Night Live comediennes can be horribly afraid of pubic speaking.

Molly Shannon, comedy film star and well-known contributor to Saturday Night Live, was a guest co-host on ABC's The View today (damn, I miss Rosie on the show sooooo much), and she talked about how extremely nervous she gets if she has to make a toast at a wedding or speak in public in any way.

"I get so nervous that I can't enjoy myself until it's done," says Molly, "It's one thing to be a character where you're disguised, but I'm much more nervous and shy as myself."

This seems to be true for a lot of actors. They feel comfortable in a role, but if they have to speak as themselves, eeek!

One of my big tips for people who are nervous about speaking in public is, Be Yourself. But for some people, this is a hard thing to do. Why? Mostly because they feel that if they just show up as themselves, they somehow won't cut the mustard.

And maybe some actors feel this same way. Or perhaps there is a certain vulnerability they feel if they are just being who they are. As Molly said, you're not disguised. You have nothing to hide behind.

But why do we need to hide? What's going to happen if people see who we really are?

I had a client the other day who told me he was feeling so vulnerable the day before he was to give a presentation that he had been working on for some time. His feeling of vulnerability sprang from the risk of sharing something that he had devoted so much time and love and effort towards.

When we really care about something, we feel vulnerable. It's as if we are at greater risk of being hurt in some way.

But here's the truth. You can still feel vulnerable and tender yet not be hurt. You can decide to feel the love and care you have for your message or even for your audience AND not let the opinions or judgements of others effect you in any way. You can create your own safety by deciding that no one's opinion can really hurt you unless you choose to let it do so.

By the way, Joy Behar only suffers from stage fright when she's doing her stand up routine. And Barbara Walters only gets nervous when people watch her dance.

Tags: Public Speaking Self-Confidence Speaking Fear of Public Speaking Confidence Self-Expression The View Molly Shannon

A Confidence Forumla: Is There Such a Thing?

2007-06-16T00:32:59Z

Is there a formula for confidence? Does it consist of certain components that when piled together create confidence?

I think this depends on how you define confidence. And since my definition is different from most others I would say, no. Confidence is not a collection of components. It isn't created. It just is.

Then, as I read Dr. Larina Kase's post over at her Mindset of Success blog, I realized that while confidence is not a collection of attributes or qualities, one's experience of confidence is influenced by what we think about ourselves. For instance, I don't think you can fully experience your confidence without a healthy self-esteem.

Yes, there is a difference between self-confidence and self-esteem.

Self-esteem is the value you see in yourself. Dictionary.com defines it as "a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect." Unless you respect who you are, you can't experience a confidence in who you are. That inner confidence still exists; it's just being squashed by your lack of self-respect, your unwillingness to hold yourself in high regard.

Strangely enough, there was just a study done that supposedly proved that we all have self-esteem, no matter how we present ourselves.

Anyway, enough with all the definitions and studies and formulas.

What matters is, are you experiencing a confidence in who you are, regardless of any definition or formula anyone may come up with? And if not, what's up with that? What's in your way?

More than likely, it's a thought. Or a whole endless stream of thoughts that are probably creating some definition of who you are. Or aren't.

What you think creates your experience. What you think of and about yourself, your situation, your past experience, your competence and how you interpret your results or respond to what is happening all have a huge influence on your abilility to know and express your confidence. Change your thinking, change your experience of confidence.

Dr. Larina calls this Mindset. But whatever you call it, you can change it in order to allow yourself a greater experience of your natural, non-formulaic confidence. As well as many other wonderful things, like abunance, joy, success. But that's a different post all together.

Tags: Self-Confidence Fear of Public Speaking Confidence Self-Esteem

Public Speaking Myths: Would Steve Jobs Ever Use Note Cards?

2007-06-13T19:01:42Z

Is it a sin to use notes when giving a speech? Should you have your presentation memorized and so well practiced that you never need to glance at a note card?

According to Garr Reynolds over at Presentation Zen and an email from Eric Feng at The Public Speaking Blog, you should never, ever use notes or cue cards. To do so, according to them, means certain death as a speaker.

I wholeheartedly disagree. There is nothing wrong with using notes as long as you don't misuse them.

But before I dig into this, you should know that both Garr's and Eric's directives were inspired by Cingular's CEO Stan Sigman's recent speech at MacWorld back in January. Apparently Stan bored his audience by reading his speech from his 4x5 note cards. Ugh! Not only did he lose his audience but he inspired the online insults and distain of several bloggers who were in attendance.

But was Stan's demise because of his use of notes or his misuse of notes? I believe it was the latter. I agree that no one should read their speech from there notes. If you're going to read it, you might as well not even bother to present it.

There is a way to use notes effectively and confidently. To ellaborate, let me jump off of the points from Dale Carnegie that Garr used in his blog post. (They appear near the middle of his post).

Point One: "Notes destroy fifty percent of the interest in your talk."

My Take: Only if you read them or are so tied to them that you aren't able to speak conversationally, naturally. Notes won't "destroy" anything if you use them as a tool to keep you headed in the right direction.

]]> Point Two: "Notes prevent contact and intimacy with the audience."

My Take: Again, only if your face is stuck in them and you are reading from them. You can be in connection and relationship with your audience and still glance at your notes from time to time.

But here's the trick. If you need to look at your notes, stop speaking, glance at them, then look up and be with your audience before you start talking again. Do not speak to your audience while looking at your notes. THAT will cut the connection with your audience. But an audience won't feel cut off if you glance at your notes UNLESS you try to hide the fact you are doing so. More on this in Point 6.

Point Three: "Notes create an air of artificiality."

My Take: I don't even know what that means. How does using notes create an air of artificiality?

Point Four: "Notes make the speaker look less confident, less powerful."

My Take: This is true only if the speaker isn't confident about using notes. If you feel you shouldn't be using them, that you need to apologize for using them, then yes, you may come across as embarrassed and ill at ease. But if you are comfortable using your notes, if you don't feel any need to apologize for them, then you can use them with confidence.

As for looking less powerful, pleeeeeze! Should we be worried about looking powerful? Isn't it more important to actually feel powerful? If you feel empowered and more confident by using notes, than you will also appear confident and powerful.

Point Five: "Make lots of notes in the preparation of your talk, but use them only in the event of a total emergency."

My Take: A total emergency? Oh, that's great advice. I'm sure you will feel much more confident and at ease if you wait until it's an emergency before looking at your notes. Heaven forbid you grant yourself the comfort and ease of looking at your notes BEFORE it becomes an emergency.

Point Six: "If you must use notes make sure the audience does not see them. That is, "...endeavor to hide your weakness from the audience.""

My Take: Gack! This one just makes me crazy! Not only does it insult you and your audience, but it implies that you need to hide yourself from them, that you can't reveal the fact that you need to glance at your notes. Why? Do you think your audience really cares?

If you try to hide what you are doing from your audience, you will lose connection and intimacy with them. You won't lose them by using your notes, but you will lose them by trying to hide the fact you are using them.

Hiding anything implies a certain shame, embarrassment or secrecy which creates suspicion, uncertainty and distrust in your audience. Be real and out in the open with your audience and you will not only invite an authentic connection and intimacy with them but you will establish yourself as credible and trustworthy.

So, no, don't read your speech from your notes. Use them only to jog your memory and keep you on track. Often, just knowing that they are there offers you enough support to not have to use them at all. But if you do, don't try to hide it. Stay in connection with your audience by letting them see you glance at them. Don't talk into your notes. Take a glance then lift your head and let your eyes be available to your audience before you resume speaking.

And, Stan, don't give up. I know it must have felt horrible to have your audience squirming in their seats as you were talking. I mean, reading. But you just need a little coaching. You'll do better next time.

Creating Confidence - Or, Do As I Say, Not as I Do

2007-06-12T23:34:03Z

I hate it when I don't take my own advice.

Last week my husband and I went to hear my friend Tom play jazz at Equus Restaurant in Santa Rosa. Tom plays bass in my jazz trio, but this night he was playing with his own trio made up of pianist, John Simon, and a drummer whose first name is Paul. I didn't catch his last name.

As we were sitting there, listening, sipping Zinfandel and contemplating the menu, Tom asked me if I wanted to sit in and sing a few tunes. An invitation to sing! My favorite thing. So, of course, I said yes. I didn't have my own music but this group knew "I Get A Kick Out of You" so we swung it in C major.

Great! Fabulous. What fun.

Well, then Tom asked me to come up and sing again in the second set. Sure, you betcha. As the pianist launched into "Skylark", I couldn't really hear my first note from his introduction but I just opened my mouth and took a guess. A wrong guess. I started wrong, but quickly found my way to the right pitch, and the rest of the song went beautifully.

Ah, but that first note! The very first one! To screw that up. Ugh!

I went on to sing a very fun duet with Tom, which we had never done before, and it was great. The crowd loved it. My husband loved it. But I was back in the past, mulling over my previous mistake. Damn, that first note of Skylark.

In fact, I couldn't let it go all night. Driving home. Going to bed. Even getting up the next day. That mistake haunted me.]]>
And I would be saying all this because the best thing to do after any performance or speech is to take a long inventory of all the things that went well, all the things you loved, all the things you would want to do again in that performance experience. Then, only after you've appreciated what went well, take note of what you want to change, what you would have done differently, then sit and recreate that experience in your mind, except this time you get to have it exactly the way you want it to go.

For instance, if I were following my own advice, I would allow myself to relive all the songs that I sang well, be in that joy and appreciation for the music, for the band, for the opportunity to sing, AND I would see and feel myself being fully present when that introduction to Skylark starts playing, hearing it clearly and then nailing that first note and the rest of the song. Ah, fabulous!

When you do this after every performance or speech, you pre-pave the way for the next experience to be all the more wonderful and satisfying. You reinforce and give energy to what you do want, rather then empower what you don't want. You connect to your confidence, your capacity, and your greatness, rather than your doubt, worry and fear.

By constantly kicking myself in the head for that one clinker of a note, I was reinforcing that old, ancient and really stupid belief that if you beat yourself up about what went wrong, you'll "learn your lesson" and be less likely to repeat your mistakes. Gadzooks. Remnants of my parental upbringing.

Which brings me to another gem from my parents, "Don't do as I do, do as I say."
Now, that one you should take to heart.

Tags: Self-Confidence Speaking Performing Performance Presentation Singing Confidence Self-Expression Mistakes

Public Speaking - Setting Up a Story

2007-06-09T00:30:42Z

Last week, I was working with a client who had created an impressive presentation on the people of New Guinea. He had created a PowerPoint presentation, that consisted of these gorgeous photos he had taken himself during a trip to that far away land, that he augmented witih his many stories of his trip and many fascinating facts about New Guinea and the people who live there.

And while my client really knew what he was talking about, he had a tendency to slide in sideways when setting up his stories or segments. Rather than state a point, a fact or launch into a story, he would say something like, "What you see here..." or "Oh, yes, and this is where..." rather than start with a strong, clear sentence.

And all of this brings me to a recent post on Tom Antion's blog, Great Public Speaking, where he gives you some Don'ts, and a few Do's, when it comes to setting up a story.

Some good don't's in Tom's post are:

Don't say the words funny, reminds me of, or story.

Don't say, I heard a good one the other day...

Never say, I don't know if I should tell this one. If there is any doubt whatsoever that a story is not appropriate for a particular group, leave it out.

Tom's advice on starting a story is this:

The best way to start a story is to get right into it. You should be into the story before anyone realizes it is a story. That way they are already deeply involved and don't have time to resist.

Tom has a lot more good advice over at this blog. You may want to put it into your Google Reader.

The Fear of Public Speaking: It's a Love Thing

2007-06-08T23:53:45Z

The more I work with people who are scared of speaking in public, the more obvious it becomes.

The fear of speaking in public could be cured with a healthy dose of love and respect for yourself.

Think about it.

When people get super-nervous about speaking it's often because they fear being judged negatively, of making a mistake, of looking like a fool. This means that they care more about what others may think of them than they care about how they feel about themselves.

But what if you cared more about how you felt than you did about the opinions of others? What if you loved yourself and respected yourself so passionately that you would never dream of allowing the thoughts of others to affect your well-being in any way?

Can you imagine it?

Oh, sure, it would be nice if everyone wanted to be your friend and it would be great to attract swarms of new clients every time you open your mouth, but if that didn't happen, how devastating could that be?

So, how can you start loving yourself and respecting yourself to the degree that your well-being comes first and you're never scared of speaking in public again? It could be challenging, especially if you were raised to place the approval and opinions of others before your own (what child wasn't raised that way?), to be nice, to be appropriate, etc.

Here are a few steps to move you towards falling in love with yourself:

1. Accept and Appreciate Who You Are Right Now

Yes, I know you are on your way to becoming someone great and grand, but can you appreciate how great you are right now? No matter who you are or where you are in your life, you have a lot to offer and share right now.

2. Decide To Love Yourself Above All Others

Now, this can be scary because if flies in the face of what you've been taught. But what would happen if you decided, today, to love yourself completely? If you gave yourself your full approval and respect, no matter what?

Can you at least decide that you care enough about yourself to make sure that you have a fun, easy time when you are speaking in public? Perhaps you can start there.

3. Says Who?

If you find yourself talking trash to yourself, stop it! This can be blatant, like that voice in your head that says, "Oh, you don't know what you're doing. You're going screw this up," to more subtle quieter voices that lob little doubts your way, like, "Maybe this isn't the right time for me to try speaking at that event."

Who says? Where is that voice coming from?

4. Make the Loving Choice

Make choices that feed your love for yourself, that support who you really are, that show a profound respect for who you are. Sometimes we think we are doing the loving thing by saying no to certain opportunities. We see it as self-care. But be careful. It can also be a way to keep us locked in a familiar but small, disappointing and disrespected image we have of ourselves.

One way to tell the difference is to ask yourself, "Am I making this decision out of a feeling of lack (lack of talent, time, skill, confidence, etc.) or abundance (plenty of opportunities, time, money, etc.)? Does this decision support me and my greatness, or does it keep me small and scared?"

Loving yourself as you are right now will transform more than just your ability to speak in public. As Oscar Wilde once said, "To love one's self is the beginning of a life-long romance."
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To start your own life-long romance with yourself, consider signing up for the "Becoming Fearless" e-zine at http://www.unconditionalconfidence.com. Each month, you get a ton of tips and information on how to speak with confidence, ease and your own kind of charisma.

What Is Confidence?

2007-06-05T01:50:40Z

I'm always yackity-yacking about confidence but I have I ever fully defined it?
I don't think so.

At least, not here on this blog.

But I am inspired by a recent post at Parent's Eye View that actually used a dictionary definition of confidence that felt rich, complete and accurate. I am especially facinated by the first two definitions:

1. full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed. The best definition, but also the one that is most used insincerely;

2. belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.

Full trust, belief in the powers. Trustworthiness. Sounds yummy, no?

So, using this definition, self-confidence could be defined as a full trust in oneself, a belief in one's power, right? A sense of self that is worthy of our own trust. Ah, yes. That's getting closer.

But then there's that second definition which, while technically accurate, doesn't fit my own.

To me, confidence is a state of being and an essential quality of our true self. We are born with it. All of us. It is an inherent, knowing trust and belief in who we are, as we are. It has nothing to do with how much we know or what we can do. It is a confidence in ourselves that extends far beyond all that.

When we feel confident about something we can do, like speak in public, drive a car, knit a sweater, that is a confidence in a certain ability. I suppose we could call it Skill-Confidence, but not Self-Confidence, because it is confidence that only extends to a certain skill or ability.

Even the the dictionary's definition of self confidence is distorted. Again, it's all about a confidence in one's abilities, judgement or power, but not in one's Self, not in who you are regardless of what you can or can't do. This is a mistake, and I suppose I'll have to tell the Dictionary people about it!

What's your definition of Confidence and Self-Confidence? Do you have a confidence in who you are? Or do you have confidence in certain things you can do?

The truth is that you do have an unconditional confidence in who you are. You came with it. It was part of your Starter Package when you arrived here. And it's not lost. You've probably just buried it under a lot of conditioning.

Tags: Public Speaking Self-Confidence Fear of Public Speaking Confidence Self-Expression

Mister Rogers Was a Confidence Guru

2007-06-02T02:12:28Z

"Why in the world couldn't we use this thing called television for the broadcasting of grace through the land?" — Fred Rogers

It's Friday night, and there's nothing on T.V. It's a good time to sit back and watch a YouTube video that might just make you cry.

My buddy Andy Wibbels turned me on to this video of Mr. Fred Rogers receiving his Life time Achievement Award.

I never watched Mr. Rogers as a kid. I was I had. He instilled confidence in children. He was a man of amazing love and acceptance who made children feel their worth and their uniqueness, and their power to live lives of contribution and joy.

Watch it all the way through to where he actually accepts his award. What a beautiful man.

When Performing, Sometimes, Connection Has to Come Before Content

2007-06-02T01:18:54Z

Performing, like speaking in public, can at times be an outrageous act of courage.
Especially if you are a singer who has lost her voice.

My friend, who shall remain nameless, called me yesterday. It was the first night of her two-week run at a very well-known cabaret room in San Francisco. And she was so sick that she had almost completely lost her voice.

"I don't know if I can sing. Everytime I take a breath I start coughing," she said in a rough, raggedy voice. "And I have press coming tonight. If I could, I'd just call the whole thing off."

It's scary. When you are a singer and you're sick and you need to perform, it just feels awful because you know there is no way you can do your best. There is no way that you cannot be super-conscious and cautious about what kind of sounds might come out of your mouth, or if any sound at all will come out of your mouth.

But, as they say, the show must go on.

So, I'll tell you what I told her. When you can't be at your super-shiny best, when you're instrument is less than ideal, when you are working with obstacles over which you have no control, REMEMBER, your connection with your audience must be your primary focus.

See, what often happens with singers in particular is that they get so obsessed and self-absorbed in trying to sing well that they cut off from their audience. Especially when they aren't in great vocal shape. They are mentally fussing with their voices so their energy and attention is on technique and getting through the next phrase without coughing.

But here's the deal. Your audience doesn't care if you take a breath and start coughing. They understand that singers get sick. They don't care if that note didn't soar out with perfect intonation and pitch. They will forgive all that IF you don't leave them.

So, don't leave them. No matter what happens, be with your audience. Sing to your audience. Let your availability and vulnerability be right there for them. Don't hide. Be real with them and they will love it, whether you're spot on or not.

I remember seeing Rita Moreno perform several years ago, and she was sick. No, her voice wasn't as strong or as clear as it usually is, and at one point she had to turn from the mic to cough, but she was right there with us. She didn't hold back on her presence and energy. And it was a fabulous show.

When your voice leaves you, when your speech isn't perfect, when something goes wrong with the equipment, none of that matters IF you can stay with your audience through it all. When you hit the stage and you know you're not at your best, let it go. Decide that your connection with your audience will be your primary goal and focus, and you will do just fine.

P.S. My friend did do just fine. She even sang pretty well, and the reviews are going to be great. I just know it.

Public Speaking - How to Beat the Epidemic of Not Enough

2007-05-17T19:24:44Z

Danger!

There’s an epidemic infecting the majority of the population of America. Maybe the world.

No, I’m not talking about avian flu, or malaria or hyperopia.
I’m talking about the Epidemic of Not Enough.

The symptoms to watch for are:

a tendency to always think or feel that you are in some way not enough, that you are lacking some quality, skill, talent or characteristic.
the thought that others may be able to be, have or do what they want, but you don’t get to.
the feeling that you always need more of “something” (more money, more time, more training, more experience) before you can take action or succeed.
feeling stuck, like you can’t move ahead or follow an impulse because you either talk yourself out of it, postpone it or doubt your ability to create a satisfactory result.

If you recognize any of these symptoms, don’t call your doctor. Chances are he’s got the same disease and won’t have a clue as to how to cure you.

In my work with clients, when someone is feeling nervous, anxious, scared or stuck about expressing themselves in public, it is almost always associated with what Kim George calls, The Illusion of Not Enough. (Kim is the author of “Coaching Into Greatness,” an amazing book that I am eating up right now.) This is when you start feeling extremely nervous and scared because you hold some belief or thought that you’re simply not up to the task of speaking or performing in public.

You tell yourself you’re not smart enough. Not polished enough. Not interesting enough, not attractive enough, not articulate enough. Or, that you don’t have enough of something. For instance, you can’t do it until you more training, more time, more practice, more experience, a better outfit, the right atmosphere.

Stop and think about it. Is this sounding at all familiar to you? Can you identify the ways you may be the victim of Not Enough?

The tragedy of this Illusion of Not Enough is two-fold. One, it keeps you small, silent, scared and frozen in place. It prevents you from moving towards what you want and what you deserve.

But the even bigger tragedy is that it’s all a lot of hooey! It just isn’t true. It is, in fact, an Illusion. You ARE enough. Who says otherwise? As Kim George says, “Who’s holding the measuring tape?” And against what standard of measurement are they holding it?]]>
So, can we immunize ourselves against the Illusion of Not Enough? Well, I’m not sure there’s a vaccine, but here’s what we can do.

Become aware
Start paying attention to how the Illusion of Not Enough may be playing out in your life. Where do you hold back out of the fear of rejection or being judged as less than? Where do you keep from moving towards what you want out of the belief that you don’t have enough of something to move forward? Where do you dash your dreams to the floor with the thought that “I’ll never be able to do that because..” or “I could, but only if…”
Who Says?
Once you’re aware of how the Not Enough Illusion is infecting your life, ask yourself what’s really true here? “Who says I’m not enough? What’s enough? Who says I need more of this or that? Why?” Is it really true that you need more before taking action? Is it really true that you are in some way deficient or lacking in something that prevents you from moving towards what you want today?
Accept and Acknowledge
Fully accept who you are right now. Acknowledge yourself and your self-worth right now. Oh, sure. You may want to be more or have more or become more. But right now, you are who you are, and that IS enough. In fact, it’s absolutely perfect. And in your acceptance of who you are, also acknowledge that right now you have within yourself everything you need to move into what you want, to live in confidence, joy and ease. Nothing outside of yourself is going to complete you. You’ve got it all.
Appreciate Fully and Fanatically
Fully appreciate who you are. Get fanatical about it. Take it to the extreme. Everyday, write down all the things you appreciate about yourself, from the smallest thing (I love that freckle under my right eye) to the grandest qualities (I’m a loyal, loving friend).

If you find yourself balking at this exercise, ask yourself why. What’s going to happen if you start intentionally and deliberately appreciating who you are? I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. You may tear the Illusion of Not Enough to shreds and live into your fullest, richest, most outrageously confident life. “There is nothing, and I do mean nothing that we cannot accomplish by appreciating who we are, being grateful for our infinite capacity and living into our Greatness.” states Kim George.
Take action today
What can you do today to move past your Not Enough story and walk into what you want? Let it be something simple and small. Don’t worry about the Grand Dream or the Huge Goal. What can you do today? Do it.

If you want to speak at your next networking meeting, today you take 10 minutes and sketch out an outline of what you’d like to say. Or maybe you can make one phone call to the meeting coordinator. Take one small action towards what you want. This gets the energy moving in the right direction, and it tells You and all the spirits of the Universe, “I’m enough and I’m going for it.”

Be easy with yourself. The Not Enough Illusion is “the mother of all Illusions” (another quote from Kim George). It’s not a take-an-aspirin-and-call-me-in-the-morning kind of bug-a-boo. But with a little awareness, willingness and one little step a day, you can move past this Illusion and into the truth of who you really are.

If you want more tools and support in becoming free of the Illusion of Not Enough, join us on Thursday, May 24, at the Become the Star You Are TeleClinic. Bring your questions and get ready to immunize yourself!

What a Violinist Can Teach You About Stage Fright

2007-05-02T23:34:46Z

Whether you are speaking in public or performing, you may appreciate these tips from violinist Clayton Haslop. In his latest blog post, he coaches a nervous violinist on how to prepare right before a performance in order to play at his best from the get-go.

What I appreciate about Clayton's tips are that they include the body-mind-emotion connection. He talks about warming up physically while belly-breathing, visualizing and focusing the mind on the desired outcome AND sinking into the feeling of what he is playing (or communicating).

And when you don't have time to prepare as you would like, Clayton says:

You breathe, you count, and you visualize. You do not allow yourself to focus on minor, or even what you may regard as major errors. You focus on telling a story of the music, on painting pictures, on communicating a gift of love.

If you want some more ways to line up your body, mind and spirit before you speak or perform, be sure to sign up for the "Becoming Fearless" e-zine (sign up at the top of this page). There is always a feature article on how to become confident and at ease in your self-expression as well as a Quick Tip of the month.

Public Speaking & Your Purpose: What Do You Want Them To Do?

2007-04-17T23:25:09Z

I always ask my clients, what do you want to experience when you are speaking in public?

The answers vary from "I want to feel like I'm doing a great job." "I want to get a standing ovation." "I want to feel like I know what I'm talking about."

But my favorite answer was, "I want them to think I'm great! I want them to be really impressed!"

Now, that was an honest answer. Because if you distill the other answers down to their essence, it all comes down to, "I want to be liked." Or, "I want to them to be impressed."

Now, there is nothing wrong with this desire. It's an honest desire. But it's also a desire that can really mess you up when it comes to feeling confident and free when you're speaking or communicating in any way. If you are doing it to get someone to like you, or to be impressive, you will forever be at the mercy of someone's good or bad day, their opinion or their state of mind in that moment. And it will drive you crazy.

That's why I love the advice that world champion speaker Darren LaCroix gave to Eric Feng of The Public Speaking Blog about his purpose in being a speaker. Darren was commenting on Eric's desire to WOW his audience, which is, again, a very honest desire.
Here's what Darren told him:

"First of all, I must comment on your purpose. You say that you want the audience to go “wow” after the end of my speech… to me that implies that you want the audience to be impressed by you. Then you say that you want to be at the level of a champion. Do you understand that to speak like a champion, you must think like a champion?

Champion speakers do not aspire to getting a wow. We aspire to get the audience to do something for themselves, or to think differently about your subject or themselves when we are done. You need to think the same way. You cannot worry about what the audience thinks of you…that is an amaturish way of thinking. Think bigger. What will they “do” as a result of you speaking… make sense?

Don’t worry, we all start that way. A speaker grows incredibly when - as Brian Tracy says - you go from here I am to there you are."

Fascinating, no?

I love that Eric had the guts to share this feedback publicly so we could all benefit from Darren's comments.

Now, I've never been an advocate of getting an audience to DO something. It reminds me too much of watching these evangelical, hypnotic marketing gurus speaking in such a way as to inspire the audience to buy thousands of dollars worth of their products.

But what Darren is saying is that it's about inspiring your audience to do something FOR THEMSELVES, or perhaps even think differently about themselves.

What I also appreciate about this message is this: it's not about you, it's about them, your audience. It's not about you being revered and admired and adored. It's about your audience benefiting in some way by spending that time with you.

Now, as Lee Glickstein would say, just sharing your authentic presence is enough. That in itself can inspire and move people to a different place, a sweeter space.

So, don't feel like you need to get your audience to do something huge, grand and dramatic. Remember, that just showing up with the purpose to be present, to be available to your audience, to be real, and to share what's true for you is in itself inspiring and will move your audience in the direction they want and need to go.

Your authenticity and your ease in fully being who you really are gives the same to your audience. It awakens within them their owning knowing of what they need to do to move closer to that which will be in their best interest.